Last Night in Dushgoi (part 2)

For long, the Peoples of the West have wondered: And what about the Orcwives? Are there no female Orcs at all? It was only in the Fourth Age that the files of Mordor's secret service, known as the Ears of the Eye, were opened to the public. This stunning record from the eavesdropping protocols leaves no doubt about Orcish family life:

Time: 9 March 3019 TA. Very late evening.

MRS GORBAG: Ah, here ya're! What did ya get in yar puny brain again, eh? Didn't I tell ya ya come and wipe da filthy staircase? Me, I'm working all day cleaning dat idiotic Dushgoi Tower from top floor to bottom floor and dat lad has nothing else beneath his scalp than hanging around with his brainless Nazgûl pals again!

GORBAG: Sorry, Darling, but 'twas important. We haff plans, great plans. Burn dat Minas over there a little and make a big mess all over the Pelennor, lots of fun, ya know. I couldn't stay aside when...

MRS GORBAG: Nag nag nag! Out dat Orc would go and invade a little, eh? And have a nice stop at every pub between da Cirith and Belfalas in-between? I told ya ya're going to work today, and if ya don't listen to me I'll tell ya one thing and one time only: ya will see no pub from inside for da rest of da month!

GORBAG: But Daaaaaarling! Everyone is going, even da Morgul Lord is going, will be a heck of a celebration down there, and I'll be no good lad if I don't drink my... uh, kill my share of Whiteskins.

MRS GORBAG: So all of ye bunch are going, eh? Ye bloody lads go and amuse yeselves and we lassies shall do all da household work alone again? Like 'twas when ya had no other business to do than to raid dat Ithilien! Four weeks ya were out and me skinning my knees on da bloody stairs. Curse them Tarks: forgetting da elevators when they built dat Tower! And all da heavy food we haff to buy and carry home. But I tell ya something: no way, lad. Ya will not go for fun at the Pelennor! Up to dat Tower of Cirith Ungol ya go and buy stuff. We're almost outa food again, and when ya're all out who will do da carrying then? Not me for certain! Here, take dat shopping list and dare ya to forget anything of what's written on!

GORBAG: But Daaaaarling, dat's so much! All dat stuff is sooo heavy! What? Ten pounds pork a la Bálrog, half a Winged Beast from the grill, three pickled dragon tails, and salted shark from the Núrn? Are ya crazy? Ya know what a load dat is on a little Orc's back? I'm not an Uruk, ya know...

MRS GORBAG: Never mind! Then ya'll take a bunch of snagas to help ya carry. Ya go now! And don't get any idea of trying again to drink dat Shagrat lad under da table! I can still hear ya squeaking from dat headache last time ya got from all dat Dorwinion wine. Ye lads always think ye die when ye have a wee bit of pain! Read my lips: no unnecessary stops! Haff ya understood dat?

GORBAG: Yes, Darling. (I really shouldn't have mated a lassie with Angmar blood in her veins.)

MRS GORBAG: And I don't wanna hear any nagging of ya!

GORBAG: Yes, Darling.

MRS GORBAG: Now ya take them snagas and up da pass ya go. And ya do dat quick!

GORBAG: Just a tiny pint of beer before...?

MRS GORBAG: GET OUT OF HERE NOW ! ! ! ! !

And that is why Orcs behave the way they do when they are abroad.

Note: This record was first published in rec.art.sbooks.tolkien at December 25, 1995.